Sexuality and the onset of vaginismus
If you look up the definition of vaginismus on the net, you're sure to find this one: "Vaginismus is a sexual disorder characterized by involuntary contraction of the perineal muscles, making penetration painful or impossible".
What is vaginismus?
Vaginismus is much more than a sexual disorder. It's a real suffering. A real ordeal, for the women who experience it.
Vaginismus is also about incomprehension and the question we ask ourselves all the time: "Why can other women do it and I can't?"
Vaginismus is also the constant conflict between mind and body: The mind that says yes and the body that says no.
I myself have suffered from vaginismus in the past and I can tell you that this disorder mhas affected me not only sexually but also personally.
I didn't feel "normal" and I didn't feel like a "woman". It's stupid to think like that, you may say. But that's the way I thought at l.
I thought that the day I could make love, I'd be a "real woman".
Sf there's one message I'd like to pass on to you, it's this: Vaginismus is curable and not inevitable.
My relationship with sexuality before I began my sexual life:
I was never really interested in sex. It wasn't a subject discussed in my family and the only person who m'really talked about it was my mother. She'd started m'talking about it as a teenager when I had my first periods. I remember her m'telling me to "watch out for men and protect myself when I have sex."
I'd never mbeen interested in my sex either. To me, my sex was just a tiny hole through which periods and urine passed (at the time I thought the urethral canal and the vaginal canal were the same).
At first I thought my disinterest in sex was voluntary. But after a lot of soul-searching, I realized that my lack of interest in sex and in myself had a deep-rooted cause: the sexual abuse I'd suffered as a child.
I had totally concealed my sex. I was aware that I had one, but I had no knowledge of its shape, size, color or function. The truth is, my sex scared me. I'd never llooked at it in a mirror. I only touched it to clean it. For me, the vagina was a rigid, very narrow channel. I thought nothing could get in (whether it was my own finger, a tampon or, even worse, a penis).
How did s'trigger my vaginismus?
What triggered my vaginismus was the sexual abuse I suffered when I was 3 years old. I have very vague memories of what shappened (I have a few flashbacks but it's still very hazy). But what I do know is that I felt a very sharp pain in my sex. And the trauma resurfaced during my first time. I'd even say it s'got worse during my first time.
I had a very painful first time. I remember hearing a lot of women say how much the first time hurt and how you could bleed. Those words stuck with me, and I dreaded that moment enormously.
The famous day arrived and the worst-case scenario I'd imagined mcame true: I felt excruciating pain and bled.
I remember my ex took over thirty minutes before he managed to penetrate me.
When he came home, I literally felt like I was dying.
What I felt at that moment was like being stabbed at the entrance to my sex.
Without knowing it, my ordeal began at that point. I'd developed primary vaginismus*. I wasn't really mconcerned at the time because I'd put it down to the first time. The intercourse that followed was just as painful, but I kept telling myself "you've just started your sex life, your body needs to get s'used to it".
The first time isn't always the first time we see in the movies. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it doesn't work at all. How did your first time go l? Was it good? Pretty good? Or was it a nightmare like mine?
*Primary vaginismus is the form of vaginismus that appears at the very beginning of sexual life. It s's opposed to secondary vaginismus, which is the form that appears after a period during which sexuality was satisfactory.
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